My little Chipmunk surprised me by climbing into my bed to snuggle for a bit before getting up for school. He already had taken his medicine and we let him lay down for a bit to give the meds time to work, so I can keep him on task to get ready. He did pretty well this morning after our snuggle time was over. I love those sweet close moments with him. One day he’ll grow out of this and I will miss it so much!

He ate his breakfast but gave me a hard time taking his vitamins. Omega 3 is an important part of his diet because it helps with the ADHD behaviors and also helps him focus. I finally got him to take Tate and his probiotic just as we pulled up at school for drop off. Thank goodness! Once he was off on his way to class I headed straight for two of my favorite things…Starbucks and Target! I’m a sucker for a venti Salted Caramel Mocha frappuccino!!! I love walking through the store with my drink in hand and looking at whatever I want!!!

I’m finished shopping and I actually remembered what I came there for and now it’s time to get some laundry done and relax a bit before school let’s out in 3 hrs!!! I just want to sleep, though! I am fighting to keep my eyes open! Maybe I should just listen to my body and take a nap. Nap it iS! I can’t wait to climb in bed! Hope everyone has a blessed day!

All Moms know that we take of everyone and usually put ourselves on the back burner. The reason I started this blog is because I needed a release. So much weighs on my heart and weighs me down, some from my past but mostly just the day in day out of life. I know that I have never gotten over (and I never will) losing my babies. It’s a pain that is hard to describe other than maybe that I walk around this life with 2 holes in my heart. They will never be filled, but I believe I’ve come to terms with the loss. I can’t get my babies back, but they are in my heart always. Thankfully, God gave me my sweet little Chipmunk and I couldn’t love him more.

My son was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder when he was three. He is very picky about fabrics, hates loud noises and crowded areas, does not like certain food textures, likes pools and bathes but hates wet surfaces (rain on door handles, condensation on a cups, etc.). At age 5 he started a private preschool and they said they were equipped to handle Mason’s needs. As a mother, I wanted to come across the table and smack that director, but I knew he deserved a better environment so we started the assessment process with the city and he was approved to attend pre-K in the public school system. I had now entered the world of IEPs (I’d rather go to the dentist) and assessments for services. He was already in therapy privately and the public school system didn’t feel his need was severe enough for most services. His teacher and I had a great relationship and we got him through the year. He was also diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder at the end of the school year.

When he entered Kindergarten more and more behavioral issues began appearing. It was exhausting and I was trying to learn as much as I can and educate my family on his diagnosis so that those closest to him could understand and be there for him. We had meeting after meeting for his IEP all year. He also got a new SPED Teacher (she is a godsend for me) and our son quickly developed a close bond with her. She was like a Mom away from Mom. I was so grateful for her and her input. She remained in close contact with me almost daily which helped me immensely. In January of his Kindergarten school year he developed strep and was so sick. We thought we got rid of it and 3 weeks later he tested positive again. He soon started being afraid of rain and thunderstorms, which had never phased him before. Infact, he loved jumping in puddles and splashing in the rain. Then he was terrified of bugs (no matter how big or small). He stopped going outside and we would literally have to carry him out of the house. He would get mad and hit me, say he hated me and that he wished he didn’t have a mother (that one stung quite a bit). I would break down in tears and my own depression and anxiety was getting worse by the day. He made it through Kindergarten and over the summer we spend a lot of time in doors and going to therapy.

Welcome to 1st grade! He was having so many problems in school and never getting “green days.” His anxiety was getting worse and all my focus and energy was put into finding out what was going on with my little guy. I stumbled across a Facebook post on an Autism page that mention their child being diagnosed with PANDAS (pediatric autoimmune neuropsychiatric disorders associated with streptococcus). It all started making sense. Everything started getting out of control after he had gotten strep in January of last year. I contacted a well know physician who specializes in patients with Autism and by the grace of God (literally a hurricane came and a patient cancelled her appointment with him so he contacted me and got us in to see him) he became our primary physician and also officially diagnosed my son with PANDAS. We started treatment right away and it made a huge difference. This syndrome cause inflammation of the brain, so once that was under control he became calmer and the aggressive behavior practically stopped. He was still restless and disruptive in class so I finally conceded to them putting him on medication and now every day is a green day at school! I’ve now got the IEPs down to a science and the board giggles when I walk into the meetings with my binder and the printed handouts for everyone on what I want accomplished in each meeting! I’m a Mama Bear and I don’t play around with my child’s education.

So in all this going on the past few years, I neglected to take care of myself. I worried so much about taking care of everything else, except for myself! I realize that I eat when I’m stressed and have gained so much weight. I had back surgery last year and neck surgery a little over 3 months ago. I am on 3 different medications for my anxiety and depression and a few others for the nerve pain that remained permanent after the lower back surgery. I also have heel spurs that hurt so bad to walk on and the cortisone shot the podiatrist gave me were off in under 2 weeks. I’m not whining or feeling sorry for myself. I did this to my body by not taking care of it. I guess part of me felt selfish to ever put my needs ahead of anyone else’s. I’m learning it’s time to start taking care of me so I can be a much happier person that can be there for others still, just not to the point that I forget myself! I feel confident in the new doctor that I’m seeing and the direction I’m taking with my life now. It’s going to take time, I know, but I also know that I am capable of doing better for myself. To set a good example for my child, as well!

It’s a cold rainy day. The kind of day I want to stay in my comfy bed in my jammies and watch the 50 Shades Trilogy all morning, then maybe read a book. Today also happens to be some sort of special Pokemon Go event and my son just has to go. I CAN NOT STAND THIS GAME. Daddy is usually the one that takes him out for hours on the weekend and they have a great father and son bonding time. Daddy had been out of town all week and I know how much this means to my little guy, so I got up, got dressed and we are currently into the midst of a battle and he is so excited, that it makes it worth it. Well and I have my venti salted caramel mocha frappuccino, so that makes me happy😁. Did I mention I hate this game? Lol

We moms just want to see our kids happy, plus this gets him out of the house. For the longest time his anxiety wouldn’t let him even go outside, but now he is more out going and I owe that to this game. He isn’t as shy as he once was and he’s no longer afraid to leave the house. That’s huge for my little guy who spent almost a year scared to even go outside and play. So I guess spending a few hours doing what he loves isn’t really all that bad!

On to the next battle!

I can remember a time (long before becoming a mother) that I couldn’t wait for Friday night. I’d usually have dinner, maybe run to the mall for a new cute outfit, run back home by 8 or 9pm and get ready for a night out with friends at the bar until they called last call and then we’d usually grab something to eat after the bar closed (Taco Bell was the usual spot to hit up on the way home). I smoked and drank all night and woke up with the worst hangovers the next day.

Fast forward a few years later to becoming a mom and I’m buzzing from maybe 2 glasses of wine and still waking up with a hangover, only now I had a little guy to take care of no matter how I feel. I quit smoking 2 years before I even got pregnant and I pretty much don’t drink at all since having our son. I’m always scared something could happen and I don’t want to be a drunk mom in the ER trying to explain myself. So I’ve traded my smokey drunken bar nights for staying home binge watching Wallykazam with my sweet boy eating pizza rolls for dinner! I had fun back in the day, but I wouldn’t trade this for anything in the world!

My house isn’t perfect (I did vacuum and straighten up earlier 😉), but my kid is having fun with me and that’s all that matters to me. I’ll clean tomorrow…tonight I’m being present with my sweet Chipmunk🐿 and I love nights like this👩‍👦💗!

I woke up at 6:30am to give my little guy his medicine on time and made the mistake of laying my head back down on my comfy pillow wrapped in my warm comfy blanket. We all know what happens when you just want 5 more minutes! Needless to say, I woke up over an hour later and the scrambling began. To my surprise, my son got up and got dressed, ate his breakfast without a fuss and got ready to leave for school. He even brushed hi sw teeth and took his vitamins (without my hounding him to chew it the whole way to school) and we actually made it to Parent drop off ON TIME!!! Happy Friday to Me! Lol

Every now and then I guess I just need to let go of my delusion that I’m actually in control and let life just happen. The more I try to push for control, the more he pushes back for his own resemblance of control. After all, he’s definitely my kid! I gave my parents one hell of a run for their money, so why would I expect anything less from my own flesh and blood. My husand and I have an inside joke that the outside of our son is all him and the inside is all me. Apparently, my husband was an angel as a child! I hope our son keeps that tenacity as he gets older, no matter how hard it is on me to deal with. It will make him a stronger Man and less vulnerable to being taken advantage of by others. I read a quote somewhere that said “It is much easier to raise a strong child than to repair a broken Man” and it is always in the back of my mind every day!

Every morning is the same. I have a schedule so we can stay on task getting ready for school. He gets to move a high five over to the done column for every task he completes and if he gets them all, then he gets a blue smiley face. Every morning my son fights me to get out of bed, then he fights me to get dressed. We’re supposed to be up and dressed by 7:15am, but I’m lucky if I get him downstairs by 7:30am. I have extreme anxiety and it takes everything in me not to lose my sh*t on this child. Some days are more successful than others. Today I decided to give him the quiet treatment. Yelling only makes him laugh, as he seems to enjoy knowing that he has gotten under my skin, so I enjoyed the quiet route. HE HATED IT!!! We were still running behind, but he was at least dressed, so that was one small victory for me (I’ll take what I can get). After he was finally done eating his cereal,we were onto the next stand off of getting shoes and his coat on. I admittedly skipped brushing his teeth because I just couldn’t take one more battle and we were pushing being late as it was. I don’t know how mom’s with multiple children do it every day, but they certainly have my respect. Shoes and jacket are on now and we rush out the door to the sound of him whining about why he doesn’t get to play video games after school. I have a rule that if you don’t do the things you are expected to do then you don’t get to do the things you want to do. He will try his damndest to bargain with me (I swear this kid is going to be a lawyer when he grows up), but I stand firm and there will be no video games when he gets home. Let’s be honest, though, it’s like I’m punishing myself at the same time because I’m going to have to deal with the meltdown when he suddenly remembers he can’t play, but he won’t learn if I give in (and Lord knows I have wanted to in the past, just for the peace and quiet)! As we drive to school he was supposed to be eating his vitamins (they have Omega 3 in them which is really good for helping with ADHD behaviors plus a probiotic for good gut health to help keep him healthy to avoid PANDAS flare ups from getting sick). He literally sucked on the gummy the entire time and all the way through the parent drop off line. What is so hard about chewing 2 gummies that taste just like candy. I have tried everything to get him what he needs, but getting him to take it is just one more argument.

By the time I dropped him off he still had it in his cheek and I’m sure he probably spit it out when he got out of my sight. Oh well, I decided to have Starbucks and a little Target retail therapy to unwind from the anxiety of the morning. Hopefully he has a great day in school today. Tomorrow is another day and another opportunity for him to get on task!

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I hope you enjoy my blog. I guess it’s therapeutic for me and I hope that it will help others through their journeys as parents.

For as long as I can remember. I have always wanted to be a mother. I envisioned the perfect birthday parties I would put together, the holiday traditions we would create as a family, and all the wonderful moments I’d share with my children.

Fast forward to age 28 when I married the love of my life and we decided to start a family soon after (we weren’t exactly spring chickens). I was overweight and I gave PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome for those who don’t know what that is), so needless to say, we didn’t get pregnant. The doctors wanted me to lose weight so I signed up for weightloss surgery (I needed to lose over 150lbs). I didn’t even think twice about doing it if it meant I could become a mother!

The surgery went horribly wrong and I spent a month in the hospital due to a multitude of complications, thanks to my surgeon (who retired no long after I got out of the hospital). It took about 18 months to finally heal and I’d lost close to 200 lbs by then. I though getting pregnant would be a breeze. We tried for 3 YEARS until I finally got those glorious two lines on the pregnancy test. We were so excited, but a few weeks later we found out we had miscarried. Devastation took over my world. Everyone said it was God’s plan or that we could try again shortly. Their words were like knives to my heart. Eady for them to say. They don’t have to live with the emptiness of losing a child or the daily reminder that we still aren’t parents. I had never felt so alone, so hopeless before in my life. To top it off our nephew was born the day I found out about the miscarriage. It took me 2 weeks before I could see him. Sure he was absolutely perfect and I was so happy for his parents, but it still hurt.

After a few months we started trying again. I had my doctor on board trying different things, but nothing was working. Our close friends, who had gone through a similar background, opened up to us one night and pointed us to the Jones Institute. We are forever grateful to for that night and all of their support. After We tried several methods of medicines, IUI, etc., it was time for IVF! We had one chance and it worked!!! Not only did I get pregnant, but I was pregnant with fraternal twins! We were over the moon! FINALLY! A few weeks of intense morning sickness and being tired (like never had been in my life) went by and we went for a check up. We heard the first heartbeat. They searched and searched but no second heartbeat! They said not to get upset because it was common early on with twins, but at 7 weeks I knew something was wrong. Then 3 weeks later I was rushed to the doctor for bleeding and the ultrasound confirmed that I had lost one of the twins but that the surviving twin was perfectly healthy. I allowed myself 1 day to grieve and then I put it on the back burner so I could focus on keeping my baby safe.

Here we are now and my Son is a happy little handful. Not a day goes by that I am not eternally grateful to be his mother but there are days that I feel like I may be the wrong person for this job. At age 5 he was diagnosed as being on the Autism Spectrum and ADHD right when he turned 7. It’s been quite a journey so far, but that story I’ll leave for another day.

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Thank you for joining me on my journey through parenting an Autistic child with ADHD, as well as PANDAS. I will share the good, the bad times and our victories!